January is the toughest month of the year for me. It used to be a celebration month. My mother, sister and I all had birthdays. Today is my sister’s birthday and I am pushing through the grief one more time. Now that They have been gone many years and I work through my childhood trauma healing it is still difficult for me and one of the months I fight the dark depression and lonely place.

It has been easier this year than before but it is still a moment to moment struggle to fight the dark feelings, get out of the tense fight or flight state and be thankful for the moment to be able to stay calm inside. When you can’t stay calm and relax yourself you cause your body to fight for survival against things that are not there. The anxiety, fear and hopelessness can cause physical problems that in time can become physical ailments that you cannot recover from. I am working hard every day to fight the dark and hopeless state that is causing my body to stay in a tense bad state. I have to be conscious every moment what I am thinking and feeling. Especially because I learned so long ago that pretending everything is fine is what got me where I am. I have to dig a little deeper now to find myself and live with that person and not the warrior who protected me all my life. Will stand up and become the new warrior that rescues instead of defends. One step forward and the Queen Code can take over.

I am for once in my life taking on the battle to get myself back. I cannot live with the regret that it took me so long just learn to continue to face every day with a new mindset. Getting that mind right is harder than it sounds. Mind and body will come together if I face it rather and become the path rather than wait for someone else to create it for me.

My mind needs to become my domain and not be a victim to the past. Gratitude is a mindset that has been foreign to me. I don’t believe I have truly felt in my body in order to bring the mind and body together as one to be enjoyed.

I look forward to creating the self I need and want and not just live in what rolls in every day. I want to create my world not just accept it. I never really understood all of the things I have learned and truly felt them. It is a very different life to experience the knowledge and not just store it for safekeeping.

My life has become the adventure I choose as I continue to find my way through creating my future.

I can actually honestly say I am fighting for my life and believe with all my heart that I am winning. I am looking forward to allowing myself to do what I want to do no matter what my mind brings forth with fear and doubt. I strive to accomplish the self-control I need. Learning to truly be calm within my mind and body so I can enjoy my life and not dread it anymore. My strength is showing itself and I choose to embrace it.

I did a unique challenge in my Facebook group to complete a UFO. A UFO is an Unfinished Object. I found a piece that I started 5 years ago and just couldn’t follow through to finish it. My group and creating my videos has given me such a fulfilling creative outlet and has become more than a craft it has become my new therapy and outlet of me. It shows me how much I have that I can be thankful for and proud of.

I finished a Handmade Leather Card Wallet as my UFO and it turned out absolutely beautiful. Shows that act of bringing the pieces of the past forward that I choose and am grateful for.

I have several new videos for you to check out and stop by and visit on my YouTube channel. I also have a surprise coming that I am very proud of. I don’t want to mention anything too soon before details are worked out but it is an exciting venture I will be honored to take part of.

Thanks for stopping by and I wish you a wonderful week.

Frances

 

Well it’s a new year and everyone is starting out fresh. Me, I am continuing on my journey. I don’t like the holidays and haven’t for a very long time. Although I had done better than I ever have this season, it is not a special time for me. The special time has come through my having the ability to see my life as a blessing instead of a curse. My focus is still on learning how to continue to heal and enjoy what I have.

I am working on putting my head knowledge into heart and soul work. Staying in the moment with my feelings and thoughts so that I can change them for the better. The trauma and pain seem like they just don’t want to give up their protection. I no longer need them but they hang on. I have to stay focused on every moment and work at being sure that I am trading the fear, pain and anxiety into living, loving and laughing to bring back the person I tucked away to protect.

There is no more reason to hide that person. She can be free to express and just doesn’t know it yet. I will work hard to bring her back with every thing I do. I am using lots of prayer in those moments allowing God to change my thinking and emotions to the life giving energy instead of the fearful and negative ones of the past.

I slipped into a little regression but have the ability to recover. It’s a good feeling to not have to rely on survival mode anymore but it is hard work to stay in the living state mind.

Even the difficult moments have that lesson I need to practice my gratitude. I still have a hard time convincing that person who felt the world needed to be “dealt with” instead of just letting them be will allow me to do what I need and want regardless of what happens around me.

It’s almost my birthday and I will be turning 60 years old. I am thankful I have made it to this stage in my life and want it to be a successful addition to my journey.

I will continue that journey to bring that perfect version to the forefront and consciously enjoy being who I am. The battle will continue of fighting that part of me that believes we are still in danger of the darkness and I will win moment by moment.

Thank you for stopping by and know that success is yours you just have to accept it and embrace it. God did not bring you this far to quit on yourself. Become aware of what your trials have taught you and begin to practice what you have learned.

Have a wonderful week

Frances

My life has gotten so much better in the last few years and I am still in the struggle but I do know that I will do this no matter what it takes. It is such a different life and future when you see your struggles and pain as what makes you. I am creating the journey to be what I want not what the world around me tells me it is. The struggles I have every day are my life and I choose to face them with the love and understanding I have always wanted to. I kept waiting for it to happen when all along I should have just been doing it. I have all the knowledge of survival it’s now time to practice what I have been storing and waiting for.

The pain and struggles have never gone away it’s just how I stand up and face them. I don’t have any other choice but to be strong but the fact is the I AM and just need to move into the space to allow the appreciation and gratitude to take over.

Just when I think I have a handle on things a complete setback comes through. My husband’s mother passed away and created a tremendous emotional trigger that crippled me for a little bit. The thing about though is I am able to get back up so much more sooner than ever before with a new determination to not let it take me into that deep dark place I used to live in this time of year. Death is a part of life and we all have to move forward after it takes our hearts.

I have changed and my strength shows with my ability to rise above the trigger and make my day what I need it to be not what it seems to be. Through my tears and pain I Thank God I am alive and have my blessings.

I waited so long to have something happen to get me into the life I wanted and the place I needed to be. I never realized that it was all up to me. Just like Dorothy’s ruby red slippers. I had the ability all along. 🙂

I will make it through this tough time just as I have all the others. This time it is with a strength I have been denying and a love for myself and my life. I hope this time is a good reflection time for you and that you can move into the new year with a new look on your life. Have a wonderful weekend and a joyful New Year’s Day.

See you next year. Thanks for stopping by.

Frances

Been a bit since I checked in because I have been busy. That’s an amazing thing today. I made it through the darkest part of the season with only one serious trigger. Every day I am amazed at where I am and can honestly say I have made it. The journey is still a daily struggle but one I embrace instead of dread.

I made it through my first time hosting an Arts & Crafts fair in my town. It wasn’t very big and there wasn’t a large crowed but it was still a success for me. It turned out just what I needed to know that I can do what I want to do with my life without worrying about anyone or anything else getting in my way.

It was not without triggers but I was able to handle them better than I ever have. A death of a extended family member threatened to crass my mental health but Thank God I am in a place with a support system to help me through and recover quicker than I ever have back to the place I worked so hard to build.

I now settle down and am in the process of enjoying my holidays a little more this year. I do not do holidays well but I am allowing myself to enjoy those around me that make my life worth living.

I look forward to what I am going to be able to build even more to just continue to add to my strength to come to the place to create the journey rather than just survive it.

I thank you very much for choosing to be a part of my journey and hope you continue to stop in for visits when you get the chance.

I will start creating more YouTube videos for my Creation Corner Group on Facebook to teach my techniques of beading. This has become a definite positive influence in my positive outlook on my future.

I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Make 2020 the best year yet.

Thoughts and prayers

Frances

Being in disguise would mean that you can not see what is really there. My healing seems to be happening that way as a result of the trigger from 2014. I am healing from my trigger creating a wall of deceit that I am still in that deep, dark place of despair. Every day I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself I am healing and life is go

It is not a devastating feat anymore it is actually becoming a sign of a blessing that I am alive and am blessed to have the opportunity to continue my journey. The end of the year always creates a reflection mindset in me. I have actually had a wonderful year and have accomplished a lot including this blog and website, My YouTube channel that gets excellent reviews constantly and a Beading Circle group on Facebook that I am enjoying immensely.

The dark place is there every day but my struggle to see through them and live is getting easier and I am able to recognize my healing in a way I have needed since I starting this journey to recover.

I have moved forward and challenged myself in ways I would have never imagined by participating in the Basket Weavers class, creating my videos and providing a series of beading classes locally. I will continue by hosting my first Holiday Arts & Crafts Fair that I would like to see grow and become a awesome annual event. Things I never thought could ever happen in the dark.

I will be turning 60 in January, 2020 and am so thankful that I am healing to a place to enjoy my life right now. I think I have everything I have been praying for during my journey so now it is time for new goals and new endeavors for the next year.

My life has always been something worth fighting for but now it is feeling like I am making some serious progress that makes the struggle to continue the journey even more rewarding. I am not saying that it has become any easier. It is still a very difficult fight for my life but I wouldn’t have it any other way right at this moment. Helps me truly see how strong I am and I can do this.

I have new videos on the YouTube channel and will be working on an awesome Native Christmas ornament set for the craft fair.

Have a wonderful week and thanks for stopping by.

Frances