Rising Strong

I have been dealing with some difficult issues but I never felt more at peace and alive than ever before. This does not mean everything is perfect by any means, it means I have come to the place that I am in charge of my life and I am living It to the best of my ability. I can feel myself and my body awakening to enjoy and live my life and change my story. I am learning to accept my feelings and actions as where I am right now and it is up to me to change them if I want them to be different. The issues I have been dealing with have caused me to fall back into anger, bitterness and resentment. I choose every day to get back up and Rise Stronger in what I know I need to do.

Many years ago I had been in such a deep, dark place that I actually had decided that I just couldn’t handle my life the way it was and wanted to just not do it anymore. I remember holding that bottle of pills and actually making.a plan. At that moment I spoke to what I knew as God and said “If you are real, you need to come and help me now.” I didn’t do it that day because I had my children that needed me and truly did want to be alive and happy in my life. That was 38 years ago. I have been coming back from that place with a vengeance. The struggle has been real and the fight has been ongoing. I can now honestly say that I have found my joy and happiness even though it looks and feels some days like nothing has changed and nothing is new. I just get back up and start again, knowing that I am in charge of what happens and no one else can do what I do. I have so many things to do and create that the choice and power are mine.

 

I have been dealing with pain, triggers and circumstances that cause my body to react in pain. I am determined to overcome this trauma response and not let it no longer have any place in my life. My oldest son who has a disability has been going through some terrible health issues and housing problems. I am experiencing the strain of having to advocate for him once again. I know that this is what I do and what he needs. I placed back into what they call traditional services in Residential Rehabilitation. They are supposed to help him according to a plan that is written by his Service Coordinator. Well this will be the 4th company that we have been with and none of them have ever been able to meet his needs. They either don’t have a clue how or they just choose not to. He has been given another 30 day notice to terminate services because they say they can’t meet his needs, (they haven’t even attempted) so I have made an official complaint and we will move one.

I finally realized that maybe they really don’t know how and I have decided that I will just have to write the plan implementation myself and stop relying on them when obviously they really don’t know how. It has always been an issue with me that I think everyone thinks like a Social Worker and should just know. I believe it is time to put my knowledge and experience to work for him instead of relying on others.

I have been very frustrated over the past few years because the companies we dealt with just would not acknowledge that I knew what I was talking about and knew what my son needed but I never told them step by step because I thought they were supposed to know. Well now I have ran into this brick wall again and the only way to avoid it is to make a new path around it.

I have learned how to overcome my reactions to the triggers of my anger, confusion and bitterness. I can now rise up and give my chosen response rather than a lashing out gut reaction. I feel so much more in charge of me with this new realization of my own personal power. Taking my power back has been an amazing victory. I don’t have it all the time yet but I know how to access it and work at getting it stronger every day.

I can do whatever it is I need to do for any situation in my life that I face. I am very grateful for my Beading Circle that keep me grounded in my art that provides that release and comfort for me through my days. I enjoy sharing my knowledge and skills with them. It truly is fulfilling for me to share with them.

 

I work to learn every day how to reconnect with myself and continue my healing. I have learned so much and have accomplished so much in the past year of how to heal from my trauma and find my place. Getting in touch with who I really am has been a wonderful journey and want to start thinking about sharing that knowledge with other too. I am going to be expanding my sharing of knowledge in the future and hope that others can start to heal too.

 

Thank you for stopping by and hope that my ranting for the day has touched you in some way. I am still struggling with this whole Blogging thing and not sure if it does anyone any good but it helps me to reach out to others and hope to be a blessing.

Blessings to you all,

Frances

Clearing the Air

The struggle to breath the new life and clear the old air continues. The difference today is that I can choose to move forward in a new way working at loving myself. I make a conscious effort to work at it. I didn’t realize that I had already learned many of the ways to walk this journey many years ago but was side tracked and stepped off that track when I moved home to the reservation in 2003. I had been working at this stuff before and kind of got lost on the way. It was the severe trigger in 2012 in my workplace the put me on the track back to my journey of healing. I now continue to work on my journey and realize I have always had whatever I needed and just need to tap into it.

 

I had done a lot of healing work before I moved home. I think that the false belief that I was okay and was “just fine” led me off the track and when I left the path got lost into many things that were not in my best interest. Thank the Creator that he never left me just waited for me to come back. The trigger I had, caused me to be able to dig much deeper into myself and heal from my past in a way that I had always been looking for and didn’t know it. I don’t know that I would have ever tried that intense of a healing without the severity of the pain the trigger brought to the surface. I have since been on my healing journey and it gets easier every day.

 

I choose now to use my pain and struggles to heal in ways I have always dreamed of. I have learned new and deeper ways of healing myself and now I see myself as a stronger and more loving person that I choose every morning to grow into.

I know that there are many people who could do the same with love and support that was never available to them before. I look forward to being able to help anyone that needs that support and learn the skills to begin their own healing journey to peace within. I think that is something that I am being called to do even if it just through my teachings and creating.

I am now learning to expand my teaching to other Social Media platforms and want to find ways to reach out to anyone that wants to learn. I struggle with technology but commit myself to learn how to utilize this form of connection to share my knowledge, skills and teachings. I am trying to learn how to reach out to those who follow me here and have joined “My Tribe” with a newsletter. It’s a challenge and I am determined to find a way to provide the information soon. I have been blocked lately by my own self sabotaging thinking that I can’t do anything unless it is already perfect. None of us are perfect and I should just jump in and learn along the way. I can provide many things while I am learning.

I finished my first basket hat and am very proud of my accomplishment.

 

I absolutely love weaving and have put it into my daily schedule to give me the joy I need in my day. I have a morning routine that helps me to connect with myself and what I enjoy to start my days better to handle whatever comes along. I still get triggered and struggle with life but am practicing the skills I am learning to help me grow stronger and be happier right now and not wait until it’s perfect. I am working on my second one now and it’s such therapy to me. I love trying new things and enjoy having the time and opportunities to do them.

I have started a ZOOM account and record the Beading Circle Sessions we have every Sunday. If group members can’t make the session they still get the information.

 

 

It has been an experience learning how to do this but I think a great way to share our Beading Circle Sessions with everyone. They are added to my YouTube as I am able to edit.

I am learning how to create reals to Instagram to share tips and tricks.

Now to spend some time trying to figure out how to do my newsletter here for those of you that Joined My Tribe.

I would definitely like to share my steps to healing journey to if anyone is interested. I know that I am now feeling better than I ever have in my adult life of struggle and would love to support others.

Well I am sending you all thoughts and prayers and hope that your time here was worth it for you. If you any comments or suggestions please feel free to share with me and support each other in our lives. Thank you for stopping by and hope you return again.

LimLemtch (Thank You)

Frances

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I have always heard those words and understood that there was finally something to end the struggle. I never felt it so much as I did this week. Been struggling with a trigger that I didn’t understand. Went back to what I like to call an “EMDR touchup” 🤣 Had an amazing breakthrough experience of my fight. I was having a difficult reaction to this trigger and couldn’t just positive think my way out. I was able to see what the trigger was and the fight of my true self to set a boundary. I didn’t realize the energy shift I needed to make to make this realization. I set the boundary  and didn’t realize that’s what it was. My ego wanted to lash out the old survival reactions but I have chosen to no longer be in a survival mode with negative reactions. I may not have said it out loud but just close not to. The fight was that I let the trigger to build up negative energy because I refused to react the old way and my mind and body didn’t get the message because it is so foreign and different. My back pain, guilt, and anger just didn’t know where to go because I said no within myself. It is painful. I am so blessed I have the knowledge, skill and ability to work my way through the tunnel and I see that glimmer of light.

 

It was such a relief to understand it is my right to say no. I don’t even have to tell anybody. Just doing what I choose to do for me is what I need to focus on. The trigger tried to derail me but I am happy to say I have been able to get back on track 😉.  I have worked very hard to learn to let my true self to live, and don’t have to do anything that does not move me forward in my journey. I have thought this, said it and thought I understood until I was able to feel it in my soul that I stood up for myself and no longer need to be in that survival mode and react or attract the negative energy that comes from the past. All of my hard work is coming through and now I  see that light.

My new goal is to learn who I am and and where I want to go to experience the life I have always looked for. I have been in therapy since my oldest son was in kindergarten, (he’s turning 42 next month 🤣). I knew that in order to help him and do what’s best for us that I needed to understand what was happening and how to deal with it (his disability). It’s been a long hard fight for over 35 years to finally get through all the S**T and garbage to feel what it’s like to be authentic. The triggers never stop but I know now that hard work is worth it. I emptied all the crap out and now it’s time to fill back up with all the good stuff that is my life. I go through the emotions and allow them to go if they are not good for my soul. If they are not I work at not allowing them to stick around.

 

It is so amazing and feels like such a huge relief that I am able to continue to grow and learn from my struggles. I am coming out the other side in a much better place and hopefully a much better person.

I know what it is like to come from the deepest darkest place but I am learning from my past  and now my journey is to (RE) Discover myself. I think it is going to be a much better journey to be on than climbing out of the dark.

My Beading Circle I hold every Sunday still continues to be a good thing. I look forward to teaching and sharing my knowledge and skill with these ladies. Keeps me going and not get discouraged. I always wonder if what I am doing is worth it and should I continue. I enjoy what I do but don’t know if it is what I should be spending my days with.

I am attempting a Corn Husk Weaved Hat. I have seen them all my life and have always wanted to try. Such a strong piece of tradition and heritage for me and gives me great joy and fulfillment to know I have the skills and knowledge to do it.

Here is a link to this article: https://typesofhats.com/hat/basket-hat/

I have been stuck and have not sewn or created anything much lately. I am feeling a shift of energy there too. I have been doing things I have always wanted to do and still creating just not what I need to, to create an income. I was doing very well and now need to find my way back to working instead of playing 😉. I have supplies and items to put in my Etsy shop and here on my website so there is a resource for the things I have been teaching. I want to be a good source of knowledge and skill  to those searching for answers and hope that I am doing just that.

I still have bad days but I get up learn and grow into the person I was meant to be. I choose to be alive, and I have seen a light at the end of my tunnel. 😊

Thank you for stopping by and spending time with me.

Frances Arapis

 

Learning to Love Again

Hello my friends,

I hope this post finds you and yours doing well. January 2022 is almost over and it has been a new refreshing experience as I experienced my winter celebrating the Winter Solstice and enjoying the feeling I got as I focused on new year and new life. No resolutions need to be made for me just move forward and learning my life lessons to heal. It is my second winter that I have enjoyed the seasons and was able to not allow the darkness to lie to me and tell me it is a bad time. I embraced the season changes and allowed myself to be blessed by them. My journey may not be getting easier but I am living and loving my life as it is, Blessed.

I am continuing my fight for my life and these are the lessons I want to bring forward.

My self-worth and ability to care for my son’s need were the focus of my battle over the weekend. I went to do weekly shopping with my son and while I was looking for a parking spot he went into a seizure. He has never had one before in his life. The only thing I could think of was getting him to the emergency room. I drove  to the Hospital and they were able to get his heart rate down to normal. Needless to say we spent the day there. He is doing better now but we have no idea what happened and no one even talked to us about it. Just stabilized him and discharged us 5 hours later.

The battle that was triggered within me was the one I have fought all of his 42 years. His disability and problems are all my fault and this would never have happened if I cared for him properly. I know that these are all lies now but The pain and hurt from these lies were debilitating in the past. I Thank God every day that he has brought me through my healing that I can recognize the lies and rise above them to do what I need to do for my son, and myself. It’s a struggle and I want to win.

We made it through that nightmare and now we will be trying to find a safer and better place for my son to live. I will do it. We will also be looking for a heart doctor to tell us what is going on,

It’s like I moved into the New Year with hope and excitement and then we have to be tested. The struggle is real. I am still fight the feelings and doubts of my ability to do what I have actually always done for my son all his life.

I search for my blessings daily and can feel the shift of my world to become a joyful environment no matter what. I just keep going forward.

I am learning to love my life as it is and experience the world around me better. I can truly feel the difference in my attitude, strength and emotional growth. Yes some days I feel like I can conquer the world and other days I struggle to function. I battle the angry, bitter and resentful little girl because she deserves to feel the light and love we get from our faith and tenacity.

 

I pray that whoever is reading this that you are finding your own healing journey to help you love.

 

Another month is coming. As I am not a Valentine’s Day fan. I don’t celebrate it much. I don’t like made up commercial holidays, but it is considered the month of love. I believe I will use it in my journey to start to love myself. I am finally through the hate, bitterness and hopelessness of the past. My triggers are less and my anxiety is more manageable. I am now having to get my emotional awareness back to now. It was so lost in the darkness of the past with my debilitating trigger in 2012. I was not able to feel good. I am still blocked by the past wall that says what I am feeling is not real. Every day I have to fight to move myself into the belief that life is good and I have so many wonderful things to enjoy, love and feel great about.

It is sad to be dead inside when your mind has control. My heart and soul need to have the opportunity to come back to the surface and allow us to enjoy what we have. The battle is exhausting at times but the fight lets me know I am alive. Let’s move forward together

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Although my meme says I can do nothing for you I am more than willing to help any of you if you have questions, comments or need support you can join my Tribe and we can grow together.

Thoughts and prayers you get to see and feel your Blessings.

Frances Arapis

Quiet But Not Idle

Hello, Hello, Hello

I hope and pray this post finds you all well and growing. I have not written a blog in over a year. I just lost my motivation and drive to continue with my whole goals and dreams with my website. I continued to create and work on me throughout. My benefit was that I did not drop into a depression during the season change. It was the best Winter I have experienced in some time. I felt the change and allowed my body to feel the change and know that when the darkness comes it means we are just getting rest for the new year. Winter Solstice is the what starts the New Year for Native Americans to welcome the sun back as the days start to get longer.

I am not real sure why I didn’t come and stay in touch. Seems I just got a block. Or maybe cold feet. I did continue to grow and heal while I was MIA. I actually did well until I decided to stop my medication in July. I was taking a muscle relaxer to help me relax. I weaned myself off and thought I was fine. In 3 months I was in some pretty serious pain throughout my back and hips. My body is not getting the message that everything is fine and I am not in danger. It is in constant fight or flight mode and can’t relax.

So I went to see a chiropractor and did some Bio Feed Back. I have dealt with the pain once again and now have to bring my mental health into check. It’s time to identify the source and work through it.

When healing from PTSD and working on my mental health my body can go misunderstood unless I stay in an awareness of myself to recognize the problem. Fortunately I have that ability and the support I need to work it out. I know that the issue is that my body is always going into the fight or flight mode no matter what is happening (good or bad). I have kind of a emotional confusion. I will need to go in and see what the little demons are 🤣 so I can get rid of them.

As the battle continues I have been able to still enjoy and recognize all the blessings in my life. I have done some beautiful work and sold several ribbon skirts with machine embroidery thread painting. I created an Etsy Shop and sold my skirts, patterns and kits.

I accepted a Commissioned order from the National Button Society to make 500 beaded buttons for their 2023 conference. I still wonder what made me say yes, but I did. I contracted to have them finished by at least September 2022. I designed 4 types of buttons and they ordered 125 of each button design. The designs are to represent the Plateau Tribes of North Idaho beadwork. Wow what an order. Well I did and now to complete them.

I have completed 125 of the Bear Paw design. This design was made from a picture of petroglyphs writings on walls somewhere in Idaho. They were provided by members of the Society and I made the designs work on the 1 1/2″ buttons.

I am now working on design number 2. I have almost completed them. the Holidays set me back a few weeks but I hope to get back on track before the end of January.

I finished 100 yesterday. I should finish within the next week. Kind of exciting. I thought I would be sick of them and want to give up but the more I do, the more motivated I get. I hope to be finished with all 500 by July 2022. I will be ready to be finished.

I did continue to add videos to my YouTube Channel but nothing consistent enough to make me feel good about it. I think I could up my game there. 😉

My Etsy shop did very well through the holiday season and now I need to replenish and focus. I want to put more patterns and kits in. I always want to make the item so I can photograph the process and then I am able to provide a PDF of the instructions to make it. I have done Moss Bags and also want to do Ribbon Shirts for children.

http://www.quinwhapacreations.etsy.com

I have been able to create a FaceBook group where I can share and teach with the members. I provide an online beading circle session every Sunday that has not only become a healing and motivator to me but it provides a good environment for others wanting the same thing.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/507679559881725/

I added a new page here on the site with an option to join my Tribe. Just an avenue for me to reach out to those interested in keeping in touch without having to go to those other places. Also I would love to get feedback from you on what you want to have access to or learn about. The only “stupid” question is the one not asked.

Things did not stay idle in my world I just stepped back. I hope that your time was well spent and blessed. I will continue to heal and grow and will do my best to come back often to check in. Thank you for hanging in there and being patient with me.

Blessings,

Frances