I haven’t checked in, I am in a very difficult place. I feel stuck but not stopped. I got discouraged through the summer when I was finishing beadwork orders and they were not getting paid for. I do require a non-refundable deposit but just the fact that the customer did not follow through as promised triggered me and I have been fighting the feeling of wanting to just quit.
Thank God it has not affected my desire to continue creating and beading. Just my dream of reaching others through my website and Facebook page is definitely suffering. I do know that although I would normally start a deep decent into depression this time of year it is not happening for the first time in many, many years. I actually feel like I am enjoying the change of seasons instead of dreading the darkness it used to bring.
I have started sewing and it has become a fantastic release of creativity I have always wanted. I have made and sold 3 ribbon skirts that are my own design. I love designing them and selling the finished product.
So I am not completely shut down stuck. Just kind of Lost in Place. Maybe I am in a transition and don’t realize it. I am hopeful, happy and still productive just don’t have motivation to continue what I started. I guess maybe I need to re-focus and look to a new direction and recognize change is good. I should never give up on myself even when it feels bad and I know it is not.
That’s been my current struggle. I am fighting physical pain that my body is telling me that something is wrong and everything I do and thing is bad. My body is not responding to what my mind and soul know is true. It’s a battle but one I refuse to give in to.
Thanks for stopping by and still wanting to be with me. I pray the change of season brings you joy instead of sadness. I am so thankful I see my world as worth changing with and not giving up on.
Been awhile since I have checked in. Although things are going very well I feel like I am barely holding on. The struggle is getting my body and soul to accept that I am not in danger and it does not matter what is happening around me. Staying in the moment and enjoying the place I am in.
We have broken through and our financial situation has been somewhat resolved at the moment and we are able to start working on our home and property. Such a blessing that we are able to move forward in our lives after the battle with his injury and loss of job.
I have been getting very discouraged in my beadwork. Filling orders and than they don’t get paid for. I want to move on from doing orders and start doing things that make me happy and feed my soul. I do love beading and I do enjoy creating the custom orders but just don’t like getting jilted when they are done. I do charge a non-refundable deposit so my supply costs are covered. Just becomes a trigger for me that people just don’t follow through with what they have promised or asked for. It’s like being lied to and there is nothing worse to me. I can re-sell but that’s not the point and it still leaves me feeling upset and rejected. It is not really that bad but my trauma tries to take over and make it a big deal. I have so much more to my life and be thankful for.
I have to fight hard every day to make my body and mind realize that everything is actually amazing right now. I have everything I have prayed for to be my life. Wonderful husband, beautiful home, retired and fulltime Yaya (grandmother) and the ability to spend my days doing things that should be making me feel grateful and fulfilled but my body is still fighting me and I am in stressful pain constantly. It’s not debilitating just constant. It feels like my body is still trying to keep me feeling defeated and broken when I am not.
My struggle is in taking my power to live, laugh and love back. I refuse to let it defeat me. I still get up every morning and look forward to another day of enjoying the blessings that have been given to me. My love and joy are in my grandbabies, my brand new craft room I get to put together and my home. I don’t want to be around anyone or be anywhere else which at this time is not a bad thing with what is happening in the world but than I have to fight the guilt of not wanting to be around anyone. I haven’t even done a video or a beading circle because I was slipping. Well no more. I have blessing to enjoy.
I absolutely do remember the days and the struggles when I was at my worst and prayed for just about everything I have right now. All that is left is what I do with it. When much is given, much is required. It’s up to me to stand up and live the wonderful life I have no matter what obstacle is trying to be in my way.
Well I am working on my custom order list. I took on custom orders to help us through the difficult financial issues we were having. Now that we have come through to the other side I have stopped taking orders. When I finish the list I have I will no longer take orders unless they are special and very specific. Oh and paid for. I had to force myself to do this check in because I have just not been feeling it. I know that I can and will win my fight and pray that you are all winning your battles no matter what they are.
Thanks for stopping by and I pray you and yours are well. Stay safe, healthy and happy.
I thank God so much for my journey. I am thankful that I was broken down and sent on a deep healing journey for the last 5 years. My struggles through the pain of coming back from that dark place I was in have given me a strength and confidence that I just never knew I could have. The time now is so crazy with our world state in the pandemic.
I know that if I had not been brought through this journey of climbing back up and getting stronger that I may not have handled this time as well as I am able to now. My life has not changed much at all through the current stay at home order. I was already self-isolated for the last few years to maintain my sanity and get stronger to face the day.
I was forced to focus on my and my healing to get better and although I still struggle through my days I feel better about me and my life than I have in a very, very long time. My online experience is doing very well to support me not only financially but my mental health heals more with my interaction with the people that appreciate me, my skill and my abilities. It really feels good to be succeeding at something I have always wanted. I still have to consciously bring to mind the things that are going right and how well I think and feel about my life. My body is still in the pain of the past and seems to not want to let the fight or flight fear go but I continue to push through regardless. It just makes me want to keep going to make the body match the mind and soul.
Taking care in the moment and being mindful of the self discoveries I am making daily. Breathing in the confidence of what I have already done and continue to do daily. Exhaling the doubt to free my body. I am finding out what mindfulness is. Mindful in every moment and what it means to me.
I have been having old self destructive and defeating thoughts come into my head from when I was in the dark depression days. They come automatic when a bump in the road happens in my day. I can recognize her now and I can actually just smile and let her go because I am not in that frame of mind any more. I won’t allow those little seeds take root any longer.
Staying in the moment and being mindful that I am succeeding. I am learning to enjoy the present even through the struggle. I am striving to be who I am and do what I want to do to make things better every day.
I don’t want to focus on what I should do or what I need to do. My mindfulness work is focused on what I want to be. It is a much lighter journey with less stress.
My focus is on adjusting to my desire to be free from that old thinking and staying right here right now and enjoying myself. With what I have.
I will be planting in my new planter garden my husband built for me. It gives me confidence that I have accomplished one more thing that I have always wanted to do and I look forward to reaping what I sow. It is worth the effort and in the times we are in it’s necessary. I will survive no matter what life throws at me.
Being taken care of with a give and take arrangement makes it a successful endeavor.
I am beginning to enjoy being out of the darkness and well into the light. I guess maybe I broke out of the cocoon who knows.
I will be hosting my first Beading Circle in a video conference tomorrow to demonstrate how I make my turtle earrings. This little guy is the reason I started my Facebook group. I saw so many people asking how these earrings were made and they were being ignored with no acknowledgement or response. Even I asked questions with no response. I felt that it was so very disrespectful that there was no acknowledgment to fellow beaders. So I started my teaching group on Facebook and it has grown quickly and a lot of people say they enjoy it. I have worked at figuring out how to make them now and thought it would be fun to try a live demonstration. Give people some interaction during these trying times. I enjoy the teaching and hope that I can continue it with success.
Well thank you so much for stopping by. I hope and pray that you and yours stay healthy. Be Safe and stay in the moment to know how great you are and thankful for what you have.
It has been awhile since I checked in. I guess I have been trying to keep myself in order with the country’s crazy situation. I am doing surprisingly well considering how my anxiety and panic would over run my reality in the past. I still struggle with getting through the day but I am not having an unreasonable time getting through the day.
I continue my days just like always. I have been living in chosen isolation for sometime to get stronger in my healing journey, so the present day situation is not causing me to react in a panic or uncertainty of the rest of the world. Thank God for my journey and what it has recently brought me through so that I can be strong through this uncertain time.
I still have times when my anxiety tries to come through but my coping skills are strong enough for me to get through and get relief much quicker. I am now able to calmly make it through my days without the fear of a trigger or fear of what’s to come. I feel so much stronger and more at peace than I have in several years. I have fought hard to get here and can honestly say “I will survive in peace”.
I can wake up every day and practice my gratitude for everything I have learned, let go and built stronger. I pray I continue on in the reality that I continue to overcome my demons everyday because I have built a stronger me. I am still struggling with the pain and tension in my body but it gets less and less everyday I am able to relax and trust in the process I am in.
I am trying to get through all of my beadwork orders so I can relax and just do some things that I have been wanting to create. I get ideas all the time. I just can’t quite seem to get through them because I keep accepting new ones. That’s not a bad thing. I squeeze in a YouTube video and make something for when our Museum is allowed to open to accept my gift shop items.
I have been adding things to my website shop and in my beading circle group on Facebook for those who are unable to get out to get what they need. Fortunately the mail services have not stopped yet.
The situation is difficult for everyone but it allows me to practice my ability to settle into a trust and faith mentality that is what making my days easier to live. I love how I am able to handle my struggle and difficulty with a stronger sense of confidence in myself and my journey. All my thanks goes to my God for my strength and healing every day.
I pray you all are safe and healthy and continue to be through this trying time for all of us. Thanks for stopping by and if I am of any support or inspiration to you in any way I also thank you for letting me into your world.
I am doing my best to stay in my moments and see which feelings belong to my day. My body is starting to feel more than stress, tension, fear, anxiety and pain. I have been struggling with my agoraphobia coming back to lie and convince me that I don’t need any help when I know that I am still in need of a hand hold. I skipped my therapy because my anxiety to stay home was too intense to overcome. Now I have to fight the guilt of not going. I spend every moment reassuring myself that my decision is over now and I don’t have anything to worry about except embracing my new being and not worrying about the past I can do nothing about. That includes 2 seconds ago and 45 years ago.
Thank God there is no limitation on my starting over at any time to make a different choice to live.
My desire to be successful has become stronger and now it is time for me to define success. I don’t believe it is being rich in money and possessions. I am desiring to have the joy of the things that bring me the most enjoyment in my every day life in abundance. Of course being comfortably secure with monetary is a huge benefit but my focus is turning to wanting to go back to my desire to learn new things and create new things to teach, and share.
My growth and change continue to make room for all the things I have always wanted to do but difficult life struggles and the trauma setback into the darkness stopped that growth and pursuit of fulfillment. I now little by little every day let in the positive feelings and let the negative go. It is a battle that I never truly faced I just let the whole thing just sit and I thought that’s all there was.
I no longer am resistant to the change. My depression and anxiety were the result of me fighting to shut down the pain of the battle and allowing all the past to lie to me into believing that nothing was going to change. I refuse to give up the fight for my life.
Now I use the battle to make way for that growth and change to come through and make way for me to be happy right where I am and strive to obtain the things that make me and those around me appreciate all we have.
The sun has been shining lately and the weather is nice. It is still winter and I am reminded everytime I go outside in the cold. I have to maintain my reality and stay in the moment. Realizing what is and not be sad over what was or what I thought it should be.
I am finishing up some custom orders now and will be starting on making things to go into the museum this spring. I will have a chance to get back to making videos. I have missed it and all the things I want to put into the museum gift shop will become the next series of videos. I am also going to start designing regalia for my grand daughters and son to start working on. I am going to move into creating and not just surviving.
We were in a very difficult financial hole that has finally been resolved and now I can work on things to fulfill my creative side and not just to make money. There is a huge difference and I want to be able to be doing things in balance so that I can have the satisfaction of both a business and a creative outlet. My life is worth fighting for and I WILL LOVE THE DAY!!!
Thanks for stopping by and I hope your upcoming weekend is everything you deserve.