January is the toughest month of the year for me. It used to be a celebration month. My mother, sister and I all had birthdays. Today is my sister’s birthday and I am pushing through the grief one more time. Now that They have been gone many years and I work through my childhood trauma healing it is still difficult for me and one of the months I fight the dark depression and lonely place.
It has been easier this year than before but it is still a moment to moment struggle to fight the dark feelings, get out of the tense fight or flight state and be thankful for the moment to be able to stay calm inside. When you can’t stay calm and relax yourself you cause your body to fight for survival against things that are not there. The anxiety, fear and hopelessness can cause physical problems that in time can become physical ailments that you cannot recover from. I am working hard every day to fight the dark and hopeless state that is causing my body to stay in a tense bad state. I have to be conscious every moment what I am thinking and feeling. Especially because I learned so long ago that pretending everything is fine is what got me where I am. I have to dig a little deeper now to find myself and live with that person and not the warrior who protected me all my life. Will stand up and become the new warrior that rescues instead of defends. One step forward and the Queen Code can take over.
I am for once in my life taking on the battle to get myself back. I cannot live with the regret that it took me so long just learn to continue to face every day with a new mindset. Getting that mind right is harder than it sounds. Mind and body will come together if I face it rather and become the path rather than wait for someone else to create it for me.
My mind needs to become my domain and not be a victim to the past. Gratitude is a mindset that has been foreign to me. I don’t believe I have truly felt in my body in order to bring the mind and body together as one to be enjoyed.
I look forward to creating the self I need and want and not just live in what rolls in every day. I want to create my world not just accept it. I never really understood all of the things I have learned and truly felt them. It is a very different life to experience the knowledge and not just store it for safekeeping.
My life has become the adventure I choose as I continue to find my way through creating my future.
I can actually honestly say I am fighting for my life and believe with all my heart that I am winning. I am looking forward to allowing myself to do what I want to do no matter what my mind brings forth with fear and doubt. I strive to accomplish the self-control I need. Learning to truly be calm within my mind and body so I can enjoy my life and not dread it anymore. My strength is showing itself and I choose to embrace it.
I did a unique challenge in my Facebook group to complete a UFO. A UFO is an Unfinished Object. I found a piece that I started 5 years ago and just couldn’t follow through to finish it. My group and creating my videos has given me such a fulfilling creative outlet and has become more than a craft it has become my new therapy and outlet of me. It shows me how much I have that I can be thankful for and proud of.
I finished a Handmade Leather Card Wallet as my UFO and it turned out absolutely beautiful. Shows that act of bringing the pieces of the past forward that I choose and am grateful for.
I have several new videos for you to check out and stop by and visit on my YouTube channel. I also have a surprise coming that I am very proud of. I don’t want to mention anything too soon before details are worked out but it is an exciting venture I will be honored to take part of.
Thanks for stopping by and I wish you a wonderful week.