Learning to Love Again

Hello my friends,

I hope this post finds you and yours doing well. January 2022 is almost over and it has been a new refreshing experience as I experienced my winter celebrating the Winter Solstice and enjoying the feeling I got as I focused on new year and new life. No resolutions need to be made for me just move forward and learning my life lessons to heal. It is my second winter that I have enjoyed the seasons and was able to not allow the darkness to lie to me and tell me it is a bad time. I embraced the season changes and allowed myself to be blessed by them. My journey may not be getting easier but I am living and loving my life as it is, Blessed.

I am continuing my fight for my life and these are the lessons I want to bring forward.

My self-worth and ability to care for my son’s need were the focus of my battle over the weekend. I went to do weekly shopping with my son and while I was looking for a parking spot he went into a seizure. He has never had one before in his life. The only thing I could think of was getting him to the emergency room. I drove  to the Hospital and they were able to get his heart rate down to normal. Needless to say we spent the day there. He is doing better now but we have no idea what happened and no one even talked to us about it. Just stabilized him and discharged us 5 hours later.

The battle that was triggered within me was the one I have fought all of his 42 years. His disability and problems are all my fault and this would never have happened if I cared for him properly. I know that these are all lies now but The pain and hurt from these lies were debilitating in the past. I Thank God every day that he has brought me through my healing that I can recognize the lies and rise above them to do what I need to do for my son, and myself. It’s a struggle and I want to win.

We made it through that nightmare and now we will be trying to find a safer and better place for my son to live. I will do it. We will also be looking for a heart doctor to tell us what is going on,

It’s like I moved into the New Year with hope and excitement and then we have to be tested. The struggle is real. I am still fight the feelings and doubts of my ability to do what I have actually always done for my son all his life.

I search for my blessings daily and can feel the shift of my world to become a joyful environment no matter what. I just keep going forward.

I am learning to love my life as it is and experience the world around me better. I can truly feel the difference in my attitude, strength and emotional growth. Yes some days I feel like I can conquer the world and other days I struggle to function. I battle the angry, bitter and resentful little girl because she deserves to feel the light and love we get from our faith and tenacity.

 

I pray that whoever is reading this that you are finding your own healing journey to help you love.

 

Another month is coming. As I am not a Valentine’s Day fan. I don’t celebrate it much. I don’t like made up commercial holidays, but it is considered the month of love. I believe I will use it in my journey to start to love myself. I am finally through the hate, bitterness and hopelessness of the past. My triggers are less and my anxiety is more manageable. I am now having to get my emotional awareness back to now. It was so lost in the darkness of the past with my debilitating trigger in 2012. I was not able to feel good. I am still blocked by the past wall that says what I am feeling is not real. Every day I have to fight to move myself into the belief that life is good and I have so many wonderful things to enjoy, love and feel great about.

It is sad to be dead inside when your mind has control. My heart and soul need to have the opportunity to come back to the surface and allow us to enjoy what we have. The battle is exhausting at times but the fight lets me know I am alive. Let’s move forward together

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Although my meme says I can do nothing for you I am more than willing to help any of you if you have questions, comments or need support you can join my Tribe and we can grow together.

Thoughts and prayers you get to see and feel your Blessings.

Frances Arapis

Quiet But Not Idle

Hello, Hello, Hello

I hope and pray this post finds you all well and growing. I have not written a blog in over a year. I just lost my motivation and drive to continue with my whole goals and dreams with my website. I continued to create and work on me throughout. My benefit was that I did not drop into a depression during the season change. It was the best Winter I have experienced in some time. I felt the change and allowed my body to feel the change and know that when the darkness comes it means we are just getting rest for the new year. Winter Solstice is the what starts the New Year for Native Americans to welcome the sun back as the days start to get longer.

I am not real sure why I didn’t come and stay in touch. Seems I just got a block. Or maybe cold feet. I did continue to grow and heal while I was MIA. I actually did well until I decided to stop my medication in July. I was taking a muscle relaxer to help me relax. I weaned myself off and thought I was fine. In 3 months I was in some pretty serious pain throughout my back and hips. My body is not getting the message that everything is fine and I am not in danger. It is in constant fight or flight mode and can’t relax.

So I went to see a chiropractor and did some Bio Feed Back. I have dealt with the pain once again and now have to bring my mental health into check. It’s time to identify the source and work through it.

When healing from PTSD and working on my mental health my body can go misunderstood unless I stay in an awareness of myself to recognize the problem. Fortunately I have that ability and the support I need to work it out. I know that the issue is that my body is always going into the fight or flight mode no matter what is happening (good or bad). I have kind of a emotional confusion. I will need to go in and see what the little demons are 🤣 so I can get rid of them.

As the battle continues I have been able to still enjoy and recognize all the blessings in my life. I have done some beautiful work and sold several ribbon skirts with machine embroidery thread painting. I created an Etsy Shop and sold my skirts, patterns and kits.

I accepted a Commissioned order from the National Button Society to make 500 beaded buttons for their 2023 conference. I still wonder what made me say yes, but I did. I contracted to have them finished by at least September 2022. I designed 4 types of buttons and they ordered 125 of each button design. The designs are to represent the Plateau Tribes of North Idaho beadwork. Wow what an order. Well I did and now to complete them.

I have completed 125 of the Bear Paw design. This design was made from a picture of petroglyphs writings on walls somewhere in Idaho. They were provided by members of the Society and I made the designs work on the 1 1/2″ buttons.

I am now working on design number 2. I have almost completed them. the Holidays set me back a few weeks but I hope to get back on track before the end of January.

I finished 100 yesterday. I should finish within the next week. Kind of exciting. I thought I would be sick of them and want to give up but the more I do, the more motivated I get. I hope to be finished with all 500 by July 2022. I will be ready to be finished.

I did continue to add videos to my YouTube Channel but nothing consistent enough to make me feel good about it. I think I could up my game there. 😉

My Etsy shop did very well through the holiday season and now I need to replenish and focus. I want to put more patterns and kits in. I always want to make the item so I can photograph the process and then I am able to provide a PDF of the instructions to make it. I have done Moss Bags and also want to do Ribbon Shirts for children.

http://www.quinwhapacreations.etsy.com

I have been able to create a FaceBook group where I can share and teach with the members. I provide an online beading circle session every Sunday that has not only become a healing and motivator to me but it provides a good environment for others wanting the same thing.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/507679559881725/

I added a new page here on the site with an option to join my Tribe. Just an avenue for me to reach out to those interested in keeping in touch without having to go to those other places. Also I would love to get feedback from you on what you want to have access to or learn about. The only “stupid” question is the one not asked.

Things did not stay idle in my world I just stepped back. I hope that your time was well spent and blessed. I will continue to heal and grow and will do my best to come back often to check in. Thank you for hanging in there and being patient with me.

Blessings,

Frances

 

 

Lost in Place

I haven’t checked in, I am in a very difficult place. I feel stuck but not stopped. I got discouraged through the summer when I was finishing beadwork orders and they were not getting paid for. I do require a non-refundable deposit but just the fact that the customer did not follow through as promised triggered me and I have been fighting the feeling of wanting to just quit.

Thank God it has not affected my desire to continue creating and beading. Just my dream of reaching others through my website and Facebook page is definitely suffering. I do know that although I would normally start a deep decent into depression this time of year it is not happening for the first time in many, many years. I actually feel like I am enjoying the change of seasons instead of dreading the darkness it used to bring.

I have started sewing and it has become a fantastic release of creativity I have always wanted. I have made and sold 3 ribbon skirts that are my own design. I love designing them and selling the finished product.

So I am not completely shut down stuck. Just kind of Lost in Place. Maybe I am in a transition and don’t realize it. I am hopeful, happy and still productive just don’t have motivation to continue what I started. I guess maybe I need to re-focus and look to a new direction and recognize change is good. I should never give up on myself even when it feels bad and I know it is not.

That’s been my current struggle. I am fighting physical pain that my body is telling me that something is wrong and everything I do and thing is bad. My body is not responding to what my mind and soul know is true. It’s a battle but one I refuse to give in to.

Thanks for stopping by and still wanting to be with me. I pray the change of season brings you joy instead of sadness. I am so thankful I see my world as worth changing with and not giving up on.

Frances Arapis

Struggle is Real

Been awhile since I have checked in. Although things are going very well I feel like I am barely holding on. The struggle is getting my body and soul to accept that I am not in danger and it does not matter what is happening around me. Staying in the moment and enjoying the place I am in.

We have broken through and our financial situation has been somewhat resolved at the moment and we are able to start working on our home and property. Such a blessing that we are able to move forward in our lives after the battle with his injury and loss of job.

I have been getting very discouraged in my beadwork. Filling orders and than they don’t get paid for. I want to move on from doing orders and start doing things that make me happy and feed my soul. I do love beading and I do enjoy creating the custom orders but just don’t like getting jilted when they are done. I do charge a non-refundable deposit so my supply costs are covered. Just becomes a trigger for me that people just don’t follow through with what they have promised or asked for. It’s like being lied to and there is nothing worse to me. I can re-sell but that’s not the point and it still leaves me feeling upset and rejected. It is not really that bad but my trauma tries to take over and make it a big deal. I have so much more to my life and be thankful for.

I have to fight hard every day to make my body and mind realize that everything is actually amazing right now. I have everything I have prayed for to be my life. Wonderful husband, beautiful home, retired and fulltime Yaya (grandmother) and the ability to spend my days doing things that should be making me feel grateful and fulfilled but my body is still fighting me and I am in stressful pain constantly. It’s not debilitating just constant. It feels like my body is still trying to keep me feeling defeated and broken when I am not.

My struggle is in taking my power to live, laugh and love back. I refuse to let it defeat me. I still get up every morning and look forward to another day of enjoying the blessings that have been given to me. My love and joy are in my grandbabies, my brand new craft room I get to put together and my home. I don’t want to be around anyone or be anywhere else which at this time is not a bad thing with what is happening in the world but than I have to fight the guilt of not wanting to be around anyone. I haven’t even done a video or a beading circle because I was slipping. Well no more. I have blessing to enjoy.

I absolutely do remember the days and the struggles when I was at my worst and prayed for just about everything I have right now. All that is left is what I do with it. When much is given, much is required. It’s up to me to stand up and live the wonderful life I have no matter what obstacle is trying to be in my way.

Well I am working on my custom order list. I took on custom orders to help us through the difficult financial issues we were having. Now that we have come through to the other side I have stopped taking orders. When I finish the list I have I will no longer take orders unless they are special and very specific. Oh and paid for. I had to force myself to do this check in because I have just not been feeling it. I know that I can and will win my fight and pray that you are all winning your battles no matter what they are.

Thanks for stopping by and I pray you and yours are well. Stay safe, healthy and happy.

Frances

Mindful Self Discoveries

I thank God so much for my journey. I am thankful that I was broken down and sent on a deep healing journey for the last 5 years. My struggles through the pain of coming back from that dark place I was in have given me a strength and confidence that I just never knew I could have. The time now is so crazy with our world state in the pandemic.

I know that if I had not been brought through this journey of climbing back up and getting stronger that I may not have handled this time as well as I am able to now. My life has not changed much at all through the current stay at home order. I was already self-isolated for the last few years to maintain my sanity and get stronger to face the day.

I was forced to focus on my and my healing to get better and although I still struggle through my days I feel better about me and my life than I have in a very, very long time. My online experience is doing very well to support me not only financially but my mental health heals more with my interaction with the people that appreciate me, my skill and my abilities. It really feels good to be succeeding at something I have always wanted. I still have to consciously bring to mind the things that are going right and how well I think and feel about my life. My body is still in the pain of the past and seems to not want to let the fight or flight fear go but I continue to push through regardless. It just makes me want to keep going to make the body match the mind and soul.

Taking care in the moment and being mindful of the self discoveries I am making daily. Breathing in the confidence of what I have already done and continue to do daily. Exhaling the doubt to free my body. I am finding out what mindfulness is. Mindful in every moment and what it means to me.

I have been having old self destructive and defeating thoughts come into my head from when I was in the dark depression days. They come automatic when a bump in the road happens in my day. I can recognize her now and I can actually just smile and let her go because I am not in that frame of mind any more. I won’t allow those little seeds take root any longer.

Staying in the moment and being mindful that I am succeeding. I am learning to enjoy the present even through the struggle. I am striving to be who I am and do what I want to do to make things better every day.

I don’t want to focus on what I should do or what I need to do. My mindfulness work is focused on what I want to be. It is a much lighter journey with less stress.


My focus is on adjusting to my desire to be free from that old thinking and staying right here right now and enjoying myself. With what I have.

I will be planting in my new planter garden my husband built for me. It gives me confidence that I have accomplished one more thing that I have always wanted to do and I look forward to reaping what I sow. It is worth the effort and in the times we are in it’s necessary. I will survive no matter what life throws at me.

Being taken care of with a give and take arrangement makes it a successful endeavor.

I am beginning to enjoy being out of the darkness and well into the light. I guess maybe I broke out of the cocoon who knows.

I will be hosting my first Beading Circle in a video conference tomorrow to demonstrate how I make my turtle earrings. This little guy is the reason I started my Facebook group. I saw so many people asking how these earrings were made and they were being ignored with no acknowledgement or response. Even I asked questions with no response. I felt that it was so very disrespectful that there was no acknowledgment to fellow beaders. So I started my teaching group on Facebook and it has grown quickly and a lot of people say they enjoy it. I have worked at figuring out how to make them now and thought it would be fun to try a live demonstration. Give people some interaction during these trying times. I enjoy the teaching and hope that I can continue it with success.

Well thank you so much for stopping by. I hope and pray that you and yours stay healthy. Be Safe and stay in the moment to know how great you are and thankful for what you have.

Frances