I have always heard those words and understood that there was finally something to end the struggle. I never felt it so much as I did this week. Been struggling with a trigger that I didn’t understand. Went back to what I like to call an “EMDR touchup” 🤣 Had an amazing breakthrough experience of my fight. I was having a difficult reaction to this trigger and couldn’t just positive think my way out. I was able to see what the trigger was and the fight of my true self to set a boundary. I didn’t realize the energy shift I needed to make to make this realization. I set the boundary  and didn’t realize that’s what it was. My ego wanted to lash out the old survival reactions but I have chosen to no longer be in a survival mode with negative reactions. I may not have said it out loud but just close not to. The fight was that I let the trigger to build up negative energy because I refused to react the old way and my mind and body didn’t get the message because it is so foreign and different. My back pain, guilt, and anger just didn’t know where to go because I said no within myself. It is painful. I am so blessed I have the knowledge, skill and ability to work my way through the tunnel and I see that glimmer of light.

 

It was such a relief to understand it is my right to say no. I don’t even have to tell anybody. Just doing what I choose to do for me is what I need to focus on. The trigger tried to derail me but I am happy to say I have been able to get back on track 😉.  I have worked very hard to learn to let my true self to live, and don’t have to do anything that does not move me forward in my journey. I have thought this, said it and thought I understood until I was able to feel it in my soul that I stood up for myself and no longer need to be in that survival mode and react or attract the negative energy that comes from the past. All of my hard work is coming through and now I  see that light.

My new goal is to learn who I am and and where I want to go to experience the life I have always looked for. I have been in therapy since my oldest son was in kindergarten, (he’s turning 42 next month 🤣). I knew that in order to help him and do what’s best for us that I needed to understand what was happening and how to deal with it (his disability). It’s been a long hard fight for over 35 years to finally get through all the S**T and garbage to feel what it’s like to be authentic. The triggers never stop but I know now that hard work is worth it. I emptied all the crap out and now it’s time to fill back up with all the good stuff that is my life. I go through the emotions and allow them to go if they are not good for my soul. If they are not I work at not allowing them to stick around.

 

It is so amazing and feels like such a huge relief that I am able to continue to grow and learn from my struggles. I am coming out the other side in a much better place and hopefully a much better person.

I know what it is like to come from the deepest darkest place but I am learning from my past  and now my journey is to (RE) Discover myself. I think it is going to be a much better journey to be on than climbing out of the dark.

My Beading Circle I hold every Sunday still continues to be a good thing. I look forward to teaching and sharing my knowledge and skill with these ladies. Keeps me going and not get discouraged. I always wonder if what I am doing is worth it and should I continue. I enjoy what I do but don’t know if it is what I should be spending my days with.

I am attempting a Corn Husk Weaved Hat. I have seen them all my life and have always wanted to try. Such a strong piece of tradition and heritage for me and gives me great joy and fulfillment to know I have the skills and knowledge to do it.

Here is a link to this article: https://typesofhats.com/hat/basket-hat/

I have been stuck and have not sewn or created anything much lately. I am feeling a shift of energy there too. I have been doing things I have always wanted to do and still creating just not what I need to, to create an income. I was doing very well and now need to find my way back to working instead of playing 😉. I have supplies and items to put in my Etsy shop and here on my website so there is a resource for the things I have been teaching. I want to be a good source of knowledge and skill  to those searching for answers and hope that I am doing just that.

I still have bad days but I get up learn and grow into the person I was meant to be. I choose to be alive, and I have seen a light at the end of my tunnel. 😊

Thank you for stopping by and spending time with me.

Frances Arapis

 

Hello my friends,

I hope this post finds you and yours doing well. January 2022 is almost over and it has been a new refreshing experience as I experienced my winter celebrating the Winter Solstice and enjoying the feeling I got as I focused on new year and new life. No resolutions need to be made for me just move forward and learning my life lessons to heal. It is my second winter that I have enjoyed the seasons and was able to not allow the darkness to lie to me and tell me it is a bad time. I embraced the season changes and allowed myself to be blessed by them. My journey may not be getting easier but I am living and loving my life as it is, Blessed.

I am continuing my fight for my life and these are the lessons I want to bring forward.

My self-worth and ability to care for my son’s need were the focus of my battle over the weekend. I went to do weekly shopping with my son and while I was looking for a parking spot he went into a seizure. He has never had one before in his life. The only thing I could think of was getting him to the emergency room. I drove  to the Hospital and they were able to get his heart rate down to normal. Needless to say we spent the day there. He is doing better now but we have no idea what happened and no one even talked to us about it. Just stabilized him and discharged us 5 hours later.

The battle that was triggered within me was the one I have fought all of his 42 years. His disability and problems are all my fault and this would never have happened if I cared for him properly. I know that these are all lies now but The pain and hurt from these lies were debilitating in the past. I Thank God every day that he has brought me through my healing that I can recognize the lies and rise above them to do what I need to do for my son, and myself. It’s a struggle and I want to win.

We made it through that nightmare and now we will be trying to find a safer and better place for my son to live. I will do it. We will also be looking for a heart doctor to tell us what is going on,

It’s like I moved into the New Year with hope and excitement and then we have to be tested. The struggle is real. I am still fight the feelings and doubts of my ability to do what I have actually always done for my son all his life.

I search for my blessings daily and can feel the shift of my world to become a joyful environment no matter what. I just keep going forward.

I am learning to love my life as it is and experience the world around me better. I can truly feel the difference in my attitude, strength and emotional growth. Yes some days I feel like I can conquer the world and other days I struggle to function. I battle the angry, bitter and resentful little girl because she deserves to feel the light and love we get from our faith and tenacity.

 

I pray that whoever is reading this that you are finding your own healing journey to help you love.

 

Another month is coming. As I am not a Valentine’s Day fan. I don’t celebrate it much. I don’t like made up commercial holidays, but it is considered the month of love. I believe I will use it in my journey to start to love myself. I am finally through the hate, bitterness and hopelessness of the past. My triggers are less and my anxiety is more manageable. I am now having to get my emotional awareness back to now. It was so lost in the darkness of the past with my debilitating trigger in 2012. I was not able to feel good. I am still blocked by the past wall that says what I am feeling is not real. Every day I have to fight to move myself into the belief that life is good and I have so many wonderful things to enjoy, love and feel great about.

It is sad to be dead inside when your mind has control. My heart and soul need to have the opportunity to come back to the surface and allow us to enjoy what we have. The battle is exhausting at times but the fight lets me know I am alive. Let’s move forward together

.

Although my meme says I can do nothing for you I am more than willing to help any of you if you have questions, comments or need support you can join my Tribe and we can grow together.

Thoughts and prayers you get to see and feel your Blessings.

Frances Arapis

Hello, Hello, Hello

I hope and pray this post finds you all well and growing. I have not written a blog in over a year. I just lost my motivation and drive to continue with my whole goals and dreams with my website. I continued to create and work on me throughout. My benefit was that I did not drop into a depression during the season change. It was the best Winter I have experienced in some time. I felt the change and allowed my body to feel the change and know that when the darkness comes it means we are just getting rest for the new year. Winter Solstice is the what starts the New Year for Native Americans to welcome the sun back as the days start to get longer.

I am not real sure why I didn’t come and stay in touch. Seems I just got a block. Or maybe cold feet. I did continue to grow and heal while I was MIA. I actually did well until I decided to stop my medication in July. I was taking a muscle relaxer to help me relax. I weaned myself off and thought I was fine. In 3 months I was in some pretty serious pain throughout my back and hips. My body is not getting the message that everything is fine and I am not in danger. It is in constant fight or flight mode and can’t relax.

So I went to see a chiropractor and did some Bio Feed Back. I have dealt with the pain once again and now have to bring my mental health into check. It’s time to identify the source and work through it.

When healing from PTSD and working on my mental health my body can go misunderstood unless I stay in an awareness of myself to recognize the problem. Fortunately I have that ability and the support I need to work it out. I know that the issue is that my body is always going into the fight or flight mode no matter what is happening (good or bad). I have kind of a emotional confusion. I will need to go in and see what the little demons are 🤣 so I can get rid of them.

As the battle continues I have been able to still enjoy and recognize all the blessings in my life. I have done some beautiful work and sold several ribbon skirts with machine embroidery thread painting. I created an Etsy Shop and sold my skirts, patterns and kits.

I accepted a Commissioned order from the National Button Society to make 500 beaded buttons for their 2023 conference. I still wonder what made me say yes, but I did. I contracted to have them finished by at least September 2022. I designed 4 types of buttons and they ordered 125 of each button design. The designs are to represent the Plateau Tribes of North Idaho beadwork. Wow what an order. Well I did and now to complete them.

I have completed 125 of the Bear Paw design. This design was made from a picture of petroglyphs writings on walls somewhere in Idaho. They were provided by members of the Society and I made the designs work on the 1 1/2″ buttons.

I am now working on design number 2. I have almost completed them. the Holidays set me back a few weeks but I hope to get back on track before the end of January.

I finished 100 yesterday. I should finish within the next week. Kind of exciting. I thought I would be sick of them and want to give up but the more I do, the more motivated I get. I hope to be finished with all 500 by July 2022. I will be ready to be finished.

I did continue to add videos to my YouTube Channel but nothing consistent enough to make me feel good about it. I think I could up my game there. 😉

My Etsy shop did very well through the holiday season and now I need to replenish and focus. I want to put more patterns and kits in. I always want to make the item so I can photograph the process and then I am able to provide a PDF of the instructions to make it. I have done Moss Bags and also want to do Ribbon Shirts for children.

http://www.quinwhapacreations.etsy.com

I have been able to create a FaceBook group where I can share and teach with the members. I provide an online beading circle session every Sunday that has not only become a healing and motivator to me but it provides a good environment for others wanting the same thing.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/507679559881725/

I added a new page here on the site with an option to join my Tribe. Just an avenue for me to reach out to those interested in keeping in touch without having to go to those other places. Also I would love to get feedback from you on what you want to have access to or learn about. The only “stupid” question is the one not asked.

Things did not stay idle in my world I just stepped back. I hope that your time was well spent and blessed. I will continue to heal and grow and will do my best to come back often to check in. Thank you for hanging in there and being patient with me.

Blessings,

Frances

 

 

I haven’t checked in, I am in a very difficult place. I feel stuck but not stopped. I got discouraged through the summer when I was finishing beadwork orders and they were not getting paid for. I do require a non-refundable deposit but just the fact that the customer did not follow through as promised triggered me and I have been fighting the feeling of wanting to just quit.

Thank God it has not affected my desire to continue creating and beading. Just my dream of reaching others through my website and Facebook page is definitely suffering. I do know that although I would normally start a deep decent into depression this time of year it is not happening for the first time in many, many years. I actually feel like I am enjoying the change of seasons instead of dreading the darkness it used to bring.

I have started sewing and it has become a fantastic release of creativity I have always wanted. I have made and sold 3 ribbon skirts that are my own design. I love designing them and selling the finished product.

So I am not completely shut down stuck. Just kind of Lost in Place. Maybe I am in a transition and don’t realize it. I am hopeful, happy and still productive just don’t have motivation to continue what I started. I guess maybe I need to re-focus and look to a new direction and recognize change is good. I should never give up on myself even when it feels bad and I know it is not.

That’s been my current struggle. I am fighting physical pain that my body is telling me that something is wrong and everything I do and thing is bad. My body is not responding to what my mind and soul know is true. It’s a battle but one I refuse to give in to.

Thanks for stopping by and still wanting to be with me. I pray the change of season brings you joy instead of sadness. I am so thankful I see my world as worth changing with and not giving up on.

Frances Arapis

Been awhile since I have checked in. Although things are going very well I feel like I am barely holding on. The struggle is getting my body and soul to accept that I am not in danger and it does not matter what is happening around me. Staying in the moment and enjoying the place I am in.

We have broken through and our financial situation has been somewhat resolved at the moment and we are able to start working on our home and property. Such a blessing that we are able to move forward in our lives after the battle with his injury and loss of job.

I have been getting very discouraged in my beadwork. Filling orders and than they don’t get paid for. I want to move on from doing orders and start doing things that make me happy and feed my soul. I do love beading and I do enjoy creating the custom orders but just don’t like getting jilted when they are done. I do charge a non-refundable deposit so my supply costs are covered. Just becomes a trigger for me that people just don’t follow through with what they have promised or asked for. It’s like being lied to and there is nothing worse to me. I can re-sell but that’s not the point and it still leaves me feeling upset and rejected. It is not really that bad but my trauma tries to take over and make it a big deal. I have so much more to my life and be thankful for.

I have to fight hard every day to make my body and mind realize that everything is actually amazing right now. I have everything I have prayed for to be my life. Wonderful husband, beautiful home, retired and fulltime Yaya (grandmother) and the ability to spend my days doing things that should be making me feel grateful and fulfilled but my body is still fighting me and I am in stressful pain constantly. It’s not debilitating just constant. It feels like my body is still trying to keep me feeling defeated and broken when I am not.

My struggle is in taking my power to live, laugh and love back. I refuse to let it defeat me. I still get up every morning and look forward to another day of enjoying the blessings that have been given to me. My love and joy are in my grandbabies, my brand new craft room I get to put together and my home. I don’t want to be around anyone or be anywhere else which at this time is not a bad thing with what is happening in the world but than I have to fight the guilt of not wanting to be around anyone. I haven’t even done a video or a beading circle because I was slipping. Well no more. I have blessing to enjoy.

I absolutely do remember the days and the struggles when I was at my worst and prayed for just about everything I have right now. All that is left is what I do with it. When much is given, much is required. It’s up to me to stand up and live the wonderful life I have no matter what obstacle is trying to be in my way.

Well I am working on my custom order list. I took on custom orders to help us through the difficult financial issues we were having. Now that we have come through to the other side I have stopped taking orders. When I finish the list I have I will no longer take orders unless they are special and very specific. Oh and paid for. I had to force myself to do this check in because I have just not been feeling it. I know that I can and will win my fight and pray that you are all winning your battles no matter what they are.

Thanks for stopping by and I pray you and yours are well. Stay safe, healthy and happy.

Frances