Learning to Love Again

Hello my friends,

I hope this post finds you and yours doing well. January 2022 is almost over and it has been a new refreshing experience as I experienced my winter celebrating the Winter Solstice and enjoying the feeling I got as I focused on new year and new life. No resolutions need to be made for me just move forward and learning my life lessons to heal. It is my second winter that I have enjoyed the seasons and was able to not allow the darkness to lie to me and tell me it is a bad time. I embraced the season changes and allowed myself to be blessed by them. My journey may not be getting easier but I am living and loving my life as it is, Blessed.

I am continuing my fight for my life and these are the lessons I want to bring forward.

My self-worth and ability to care for my son’s need were the focus of my battle over the weekend. I went to do weekly shopping with my son and while I was looking for a parking spot he went into a seizure. He has never had one before in his life. The only thing I could think of was getting him to the emergency room. I drove  to the Hospital and they were able to get his heart rate down to normal. Needless to say we spent the day there. He is doing better now but we have no idea what happened and no one even talked to us about it. Just stabilized him and discharged us 5 hours later.

The battle that was triggered within me was the one I have fought all of his 42 years. His disability and problems are all my fault and this would never have happened if I cared for him properly. I know that these are all lies now but The pain and hurt from these lies were debilitating in the past. I Thank God every day that he has brought me through my healing that I can recognize the lies and rise above them to do what I need to do for my son, and myself. It’s a struggle and I want to win.

We made it through that nightmare and now we will be trying to find a safer and better place for my son to live. I will do it. We will also be looking for a heart doctor to tell us what is going on,

It’s like I moved into the New Year with hope and excitement and then we have to be tested. The struggle is real. I am still fight the feelings and doubts of my ability to do what I have actually always done for my son all his life.

I search for my blessings daily and can feel the shift of my world to become a joyful environment no matter what. I just keep going forward.

I am learning to love my life as it is and experience the world around me better. I can truly feel the difference in my attitude, strength and emotional growth. Yes some days I feel like I can conquer the world and other days I struggle to function. I battle the angry, bitter and resentful little girl because she deserves to feel the light and love we get from our faith and tenacity.

 

I pray that whoever is reading this that you are finding your own healing journey to help you love.

 

Another month is coming. As I am not a Valentine’s Day fan. I don’t celebrate it much. I don’t like made up commercial holidays, but it is considered the month of love. I believe I will use it in my journey to start to love myself. I am finally through the hate, bitterness and hopelessness of the past. My triggers are less and my anxiety is more manageable. I am now having to get my emotional awareness back to now. It was so lost in the darkness of the past with my debilitating trigger in 2012. I was not able to feel good. I am still blocked by the past wall that says what I am feeling is not real. Every day I have to fight to move myself into the belief that life is good and I have so many wonderful things to enjoy, love and feel great about.

It is sad to be dead inside when your mind has control. My heart and soul need to have the opportunity to come back to the surface and allow us to enjoy what we have. The battle is exhausting at times but the fight lets me know I am alive. Let’s move forward together

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Although my meme says I can do nothing for you I am more than willing to help any of you if you have questions, comments or need support you can join my Tribe and we can grow together.

Thoughts and prayers you get to see and feel your Blessings.

Frances Arapis