Struggle is Real

Been awhile since I have checked in. Although things are going very well I feel like I am barely holding on. The struggle is getting my body and soul to accept that I am not in danger and it does not matter what is happening around me. Staying in the moment and enjoying the place I am in.

We have broken through and our financial situation has been somewhat resolved at the moment and we are able to start working on our home and property. Such a blessing that we are able to move forward in our lives after the battle with his injury and loss of job.

I have been getting very discouraged in my beadwork. Filling orders and than they don’t get paid for. I want to move on from doing orders and start doing things that make me happy and feed my soul. I do love beading and I do enjoy creating the custom orders but just don’t like getting jilted when they are done. I do charge a non-refundable deposit so my supply costs are covered. Just becomes a trigger for me that people just don’t follow through with what they have promised or asked for. It’s like being lied to and there is nothing worse to me. I can re-sell but that’s not the point and it still leaves me feeling upset and rejected. It is not really that bad but my trauma tries to take over and make it a big deal. I have so much more to my life and be thankful for.

I have to fight hard every day to make my body and mind realize that everything is actually amazing right now. I have everything I have prayed for to be my life. Wonderful husband, beautiful home, retired and fulltime Yaya (grandmother) and the ability to spend my days doing things that should be making me feel grateful and fulfilled but my body is still fighting me and I am in stressful pain constantly. It’s not debilitating just constant. It feels like my body is still trying to keep me feeling defeated and broken when I am not.

My struggle is in taking my power to live, laugh and love back. I refuse to let it defeat me. I still get up every morning and look forward to another day of enjoying the blessings that have been given to me. My love and joy are in my grandbabies, my brand new craft room I get to put together and my home. I don’t want to be around anyone or be anywhere else which at this time is not a bad thing with what is happening in the world but than I have to fight the guilt of not wanting to be around anyone. I haven’t even done a video or a beading circle because I was slipping. Well no more. I have blessing to enjoy.

I absolutely do remember the days and the struggles when I was at my worst and prayed for just about everything I have right now. All that is left is what I do with it. When much is given, much is required. It’s up to me to stand up and live the wonderful life I have no matter what obstacle is trying to be in my way.

Well I am working on my custom order list. I took on custom orders to help us through the difficult financial issues we were having. Now that we have come through to the other side I have stopped taking orders. When I finish the list I have I will no longer take orders unless they are special and very specific. Oh and paid for. I had to force myself to do this check in because I have just not been feeling it. I know that I can and will win my fight and pray that you are all winning your battles no matter what they are.

Thanks for stopping by and I pray you and yours are well. Stay safe, healthy and happy.

Frances