I have always heard those words and understood that there was finally something to end the struggle. I never felt it so much as I did this week. Been struggling with a trigger that I didn’t understand. Went back to what I like to call an “EMDR touchup” 🤣 Had an amazing breakthrough experience of my fight. I was having a difficult reaction to this trigger and couldn’t just positive think my way out. I was able to see what the trigger was and the fight of my true self to set a boundary. I didn’t realize the energy shift I needed to make to make this realization. I set the boundary and didn’t realize that’s what it was. My ego wanted to lash out the old survival reactions but I have chosen to no longer be in a survival mode with negative reactions. I may not have said it out loud but just close not to. The fight was that I let the trigger to build up negative energy because I refused to react the old way and my mind and body didn’t get the message because it is so foreign and different. My back pain, guilt, and anger just didn’t know where to go because I said no within myself. It is painful. I am so blessed I have the knowledge, skill and ability to work my way through the tunnel and I see that glimmer of light.
It was such a relief to understand it is my right to say no. I don’t even have to tell anybody. Just doing what I choose to do for me is what I need to focus on. The trigger tried to derail me but I am happy to say I have been able to get back on track 😉. I have worked very hard to learn to let my true self to live, and don’t have to do anything that does not move me forward in my journey. I have thought this, said it and thought I understood until I was able to feel it in my soul that I stood up for myself and no longer need to be in that survival mode and react or attract the negative energy that comes from the past. All of my hard work is coming through and now I see that light.
My new goal is to learn who I am and and where I want to go to experience the life I have always looked for. I have been in therapy since my oldest son was in kindergarten, (he’s turning 42 next month 🤣). I knew that in order to help him and do what’s best for us that I needed to understand what was happening and how to deal with it (his disability). It’s been a long hard fight for over 35 years to finally get through all the S**T and garbage to feel what it’s like to be authentic. The triggers never stop but I know now that hard work is worth it. I emptied all the crap out and now it’s time to fill back up with all the good stuff that is my life. I go through the emotions and allow them to go if they are not good for my soul. If they are not I work at not allowing them to stick around.
It is so amazing and feels like such a huge relief that I am able to continue to grow and learn from my struggles. I am coming out the other side in a much better place and hopefully a much better person.
I know what it is like to come from the deepest darkest place but I am learning from my past and now my journey is to (RE) Discover myself. I think it is going to be a much better journey to be on than climbing out of the dark.
My Beading Circle I hold every Sunday still continues to be a good thing. I look forward to teaching and sharing my knowledge and skill with these ladies. Keeps me going and not get discouraged. I always wonder if what I am doing is worth it and should I continue. I enjoy what I do but don’t know if it is what I should be spending my days with.
I am attempting a Corn Husk Weaved Hat. I have seen them all my life and have always wanted to try. Such a strong piece of tradition and heritage for me and gives me great joy and fulfillment to know I have the skills and knowledge to do it.
Here is a link to this article: https://typesofhats.com/hat/basket-hat/
I have been stuck and have not sewn or created anything much lately. I am feeling a shift of energy there too. I have been doing things I have always wanted to do and still creating just not what I need to, to create an income. I was doing very well and now need to find my way back to working instead of playing 😉. I have supplies and items to put in my Etsy shop and here on my website so there is a resource for the things I have been teaching. I want to be a good source of knowledge and skill to those searching for answers and hope that I am doing just that.
I still have bad days but I get up learn and grow into the person I was meant to be. I choose to be alive, and I have seen a light at the end of my tunnel. 😊
Thank you for stopping by and spending time with me.