Changing my mind is my focus. Moving from that trauma survival mode into living in the real moment is a battle I never knew I needed to fight. Coming back from a serious trauma trigger is just providing me with exactly what I need to heal my mind from the past.

I am at the point that I can actually experience the changing of my mind from the numbness of survival mode to identifying my emotions with a wise mind. When we experience trauma it can freeze our emotional development and our only function is to survive. I now am moving into making the conscious effort to move from the fight or flight state to feeling what I feel. It is more difficult than it sounds. My body has been holding serious tension since my trauma trigger in 2012-2014. My journey back has been a terrible struggle but I am finally feeling the benefits of fighting so hard to get my life back.

 

I am starting from experience and knowledge this time. I have been in therapy to recover from childhood trauma since I was 26 years old. I progressed steadily for years. I didn’t realize how much I have overcome and learned along the way. This recent battle is being fought from a place that has been building and storing up knowledge of myself. I now am able to put my skills, knowledge and determination into practice and change my mind from the emotional trauma chaos by putting my efforts into creating the wise mind. Finding my lost emotions. It’s actually becoming an enlightening and satisfying piece of my journey.

I have been pushing myself to step out and push my boundaries to exercise my ability to function outside of my seclusion. I held my first beading class last week and it was awesome. I was totally exhausted and worn out after but it was well worth it. I felt good being able to be around those I was comfortable with and do what I love to do. Teaching and watching others accomplish something actually feels good to me.

I was able to add another YouTube video. It felt good to get back to creating the videos. I really do enjoy it and my channel is growing.

Looking forward to my next one. My Facebook group is growing too. I am doing what I love and loving what I do. Feel free to come and join us.

Creation Corner-Beading Circle

I will be going out to be a vendor at a Flea Market next weekend. I don’t feel like I would enjoy the big pow wow vending experience but I would like to see if I would like the local venues that don’t give so much intimidation to the experience. I have been making and creating some fun stuff and seeing what I can come with.

So I have 4 more beading classes, a Flea Market setup and my own Arts & Crafts show in December. Not only am I getting myself back out of my seclusion but it seems to be providing me with a much needed income. Although I still struggle with the intense body tension at least I am aware of it and now I know it is a choice and I choose to get rid of it.

My next tutorial will be how to make a pair of adult moccasins for myself. I have not done something for myself in quite some time. It will be to celebrate Native American Heritage month in November. Going to be able to Rock My Mocs this year.

Be sure and subscribe and share my channel to help me grow.

Thanks for stopping by and wish you a wonderful next week. Don’t forget to thank a Veteran and celebrate them for providing us with our freedom.

Frances

 

Not sure where it comes from or how it continues to carry me but I wonder what I have that brings me through the day. I have been struggling for the past week or so. My ability to function has gone back to auto pilot and it does not feel good at all.

Having the stress and tension relieved has allowed for the current and present reality come through at full force and I am not capable of understanding and dealing with it. My situation is so bleak and despairing that it is taking a toll on me.

I have to not only be conscious of my own situation my son now needs to have me step up and be his advocate. My oldest son was born with a disability and we have struggled with the issues his entire life. He is now 39 and still is unable to function at that level. I had to go in and provide advocacy and it caused me to have a mental breakdown that I cannot seem to bounce back from.

I am determined to find a way to become what I want and not function in the past survival mode. No one should have to live like that. I am pushing to be an overcomer and not have to just survive. I do not want to sink into the darkness that no one is here and no one gives a damn whether I live or die. That’s the demon I fight, especially when I don’t feel like I am going to succeed in anything I want to do.

My work this week has not been much but trying to get some things together for the upcoming events I have scheduled. It feels like every time I try to move forward I get attacked by the past.

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I will be attempting to teach some beading classes and try to see how being a vendor and sponsoring a Arts & Crafts show of my own. I pray I can get back up so that I can do the things that would really make me happy rather than fight to survive the day. I don’t want to give up on my dreams and desire for healing and success.

I have not even been able to continue with my YouTube videos or making my website work. It’s not a good feeling when you feel like a failure before your feet even hit the floor in the morning. I will push forward and pray I can bring you more to enjoy.

Hopefully a new video will be coming and I can get back up and start again. Thoughts and prayers for my success.

Thanks for stopping by.

Frances

 

 

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I have been away for a bit but life continued and there were many things to enjoy, endure and learn. So many things happened that I wanted to report but my struggle took over and I put it off. I was absolutely blessed when my sister recommended me to take part in a Basket Weaver’s conference as a Featured weaver. It was an experience that kind of put me through a roller coaster of emotion but one that was just exactly what I needed in my journey. I went and taught how to make my Pine Needle Weave Earrings with great success. I even sold many kits for those who could not get a spot at my table to learn. Many of them come from an area that do not even have Pine Needles so they were thankful I had kits and my YouTube video for them to use.

The experience helped me to step out and use the coping skills and show myself how much I have grown in continued on my healing journey. I have had many break throughs in the past year and this is proof to myself that I have overcome and can enjoy my healing to myself again. I lose sight of my progress when in the day to day struggle and need a stepping out to see.

My journey is becoming easier and I can see and feel things I never have before. Going through the hard work of coming back from trauma has been so worth the pain and struggle. I have had to go back onto medication but for a good push forward and not because I am falling back. It seems I need to calm my body down and get it out of the fight or flight mode that I have been living in. My body is not able to let go of the protection mode so I am unable to push forward in relearning to live in the now. When I calm my body down than I can begin to experience and learn to utilize my coping skills and enjoy my days instead of wanting to avoid them. My future is brighter and I have begun to move forward to working on my dreams and visions for my life instead of waiting for it to happen.

My fight to return from the darkness that overtook me is becoming a success and now is my life experience rather than a burden.

I am now looking forward to my next stepping out and have decided to try and see about doing selling as a vendor. I will be making items to sell at a local flea market in November and will be organizing my own Arts & Crafts sale in December. I still struggle daily with my insecurity, unsuredness and inability to just rest in the moment but I am determined to conquer it. I will be working on many things and will have them available for sale in my creation corner as they come available.

As always I enjoy sharing and if you ever have any questions feel free to email or come join my new Teaching Facebook group, Creation Corner-Beading Circle https://www.facebook.com/groups/30028146400976/?ref=share. It a nice space for me to learn to feel comfortable sharing with others and grow my confidence. Thoughts and prayers for my journey and thank you for stopping by.

Frances

Life goes on whether you are ready or not. I never realized how hard it would be to heal from my pain. I am now in the process of rebuilding myself. There were times that I thought there was no hope for healing. I did 2 years of very intense EMDR that basically cleaned my slate of the trauma but now I have to battle that survival wall that was built. I have to relearn from where my emotional development was stopped. It is so difficult when the world around you expects you to be an adult when you are still lost in the childhood.

I have begun my battle. I am really struggling with the putting the healthy pieces back together but I know that I want it more than anything. It has forced me to take and honest, heart felt look at what’s around me. I can either give in to the depression, anxiety and turmoil or stand up and walk through the battleground fighting for my life ever day.

I have so much to be thankful for that I refuse to give in. I can see how people do not want to heal because it is an inner battle that is not for the weak. It seems at times that it is just not worth the pain and struggle. I just know I want what is rightfully mine. My God given life free of the shackles of the past.

It is time to live the rest of my life by choice. My goal will be to enter this normally difficult season with new weapons of faith and grace and become stronger. This week I look forward to my decision to step out into the world and start sharing my creativity beyond social media. I have decided to host a Arts & Crafts fair for my family and others in my community. I will fight the fear and anxiety and trust the success of my adventure rather hide in fear.

Hope your lives are doing what you need them to do. Thanks for stopping by.

Frances