Not sure where it comes from or how it continues to carry me but I wonder what I have that brings me through the day. I have been struggling for the past week or so. My ability to function has gone back to auto pilot and it does not feel good at all.
Having the stress and tension relieved has allowed for the current and present reality come through at full force and I am not capable of understanding and dealing with it. My situation is so bleak and despairing that it is taking a toll on me.
I have to not only be conscious of my own situation my son now needs to have me step up and be his advocate. My oldest son was born with a disability and we have struggled with the issues his entire life. He is now 39 and still is unable to function at that level. I had to go in and provide advocacy and it caused me to have a mental breakdown that I cannot seem to bounce back from.
I am determined to find a way to become what I want and not function in the past survival mode. No one should have to live like that. I am pushing to be an overcomer and not have to just survive. I do not want to sink into the darkness that no one is here and no one gives a damn whether I live or die. That’s the demon I fight, especially when I don’t feel like I am going to succeed in anything I want to do.
My work this week has not been much but trying to get some things together for the upcoming events I have scheduled. It feels like every time I try to move forward I get attacked by the past.
I will be attempting to teach some beading classes and try to see how being a vendor and sponsoring a Arts & Crafts show of my own. I pray I can get back up so that I can do the things that would really make me happy rather than fight to survive the day. I don’t want to give up on my dreams and desire for healing and success.
I have not even been able to continue with my YouTube videos or making my website work. It’s not a good feeling when you feel like a failure before your feet even hit the floor in the morning. I will push forward and pray I can bring you more to enjoy.
Hopefully a new video will be coming and I can get back up and start again. Thoughts and prayers for my success.
Thanks for stopping by.