I have been dealing with some difficult issues but I never felt more at peace and alive than ever before. This does not mean everything is perfect by any means, it means I have come to the place that I am in charge of my life and I am living It to the best of my ability. I can feel myself and my body awakening to enjoy and live my life and change my story. I am learning to accept my feelings and actions as where I am right now and it is up to me to change them if I want them to be different. The issues I have been dealing with have caused me to fall back into anger, bitterness and resentment. I choose every day to get back up and Rise Stronger in what I know I need to do.
Many years ago I had been in such a deep, dark place that I actually had decided that I just couldn’t handle my life the way it was and wanted to just not do it anymore. I remember holding that bottle of pills and actually making.a plan. At that moment I spoke to what I knew as God and said “If you are real, you need to come and help me now.” I didn’t do it that day because I had my children that needed me and truly did want to be alive and happy in my life. That was 38 years ago. I have been coming back from that place with a vengeance. The struggle has been real and the fight has been ongoing. I can now honestly say that I have found my joy and happiness even though it looks and feels some days like nothing has changed and nothing is new. I just get back up and start again, knowing that I am in charge of what happens and no one else can do what I do. I have so many things to do and create that the choice and power are mine.
I have been dealing with pain, triggers and circumstances that cause my body to react in pain. I am determined to overcome this trauma response and not let it no longer have any place in my life. My oldest son who has a disability has been going through some terrible health issues and housing problems. I am experiencing the strain of having to advocate for him once again. I know that this is what I do and what he needs. I placed back into what they call traditional services in Residential Rehabilitation. They are supposed to help him according to a plan that is written by his Service Coordinator. Well this will be the 4th company that we have been with and none of them have ever been able to meet his needs. They either don’t have a clue how or they just choose not to. He has been given another 30 day notice to terminate services because they say they can’t meet his needs, (they haven’t even attempted) so I have made an official complaint and we will move one.
I finally realized that maybe they really don’t know how and I have decided that I will just have to write the plan implementation myself and stop relying on them when obviously they really don’t know how. It has always been an issue with me that I think everyone thinks like a Social Worker and should just know. I believe it is time to put my knowledge and experience to work for him instead of relying on others.
I have been very frustrated over the past few years because the companies we dealt with just would not acknowledge that I knew what I was talking about and knew what my son needed but I never told them step by step because I thought they were supposed to know. Well now I have ran into this brick wall again and the only way to avoid it is to make a new path around it.
I have learned how to overcome my reactions to the triggers of my anger, confusion and bitterness. I can now rise up and give my chosen response rather than a lashing out gut reaction. I feel so much more in charge of me with this new realization of my own personal power. Taking my power back has been an amazing victory. I don’t have it all the time yet but I know how to access it and work at getting it stronger every day.
I can do whatever it is I need to do for any situation in my life that I face. I am very grateful for my Beading Circle that keep me grounded in my art that provides that release and comfort for me through my days. I enjoy sharing my knowledge and skills with them. It truly is fulfilling for me to share with them.
I work to learn every day how to reconnect with myself and continue my healing. I have learned so much and have accomplished so much in the past year of how to heal from my trauma and find my place. Getting in touch with who I really am has been a wonderful journey and want to start thinking about sharing that knowledge with other too. I am going to be expanding my sharing of knowledge in the future and hope that others can start to heal too.
Thank you for stopping by and hope that my ranting for the day has touched you in some way. I am still struggling with this whole Blogging thing and not sure if it does anyone any good but it helps me to reach out to others and hope to be a blessing.
Blessings to you all,
Frances
