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Learning to Embrace the Struggle


It’s a good day today. I believe this is actually the best day I have had in quite awhile. I am doing my best to embrace the feeling. My struggle has been to stay in the moment and sift through my thoughts, feelings and actions to monitor them to stay on the fresh new positive side of my life I have been fighting to achieve. It is a moment by moment struggle and I am usually exhausted by the end of the day but it is worth it. I am no longer living in that dark, depressed, lonely hole that has tried to destroy me in the past few years. I am living and working every day on myself harder than I ever have in my life.

Good things are happening for me and I need to not allow myself to slip backwards. I want to now move forward and get back on the track of doing instead waiting. I will make it happen instead of wait for it to come.

Don’t get me wrong I am still in the fight of my life but I am blessed with the ability and opportunity to do it.


I am working every day to change my mind to see what a blessing my life is. I have to go through every thought and every reaction to choose life and positive living. I know I am worth it and can appreciate what I have without the hopeless wanting things to get better. My life is worth it. I need to make room for my soul to seek it’s healing and not let the mind bring the past back to get in the way.


My fight and all of my struggles have been worth and continue to show me I am alive and I have the opportunity to only get better.

My Facebook Group the Beading Circle is growing every day and I am wondering if I have what it takes to keep a group like this functioning and growing. I have seen several groups shut down because of negative and hurtful interaction and pray every day that my group will stay the positive, beautiful safe haven it was created to be.

My YouTube channel is growing also and I look forward to making new videos and keep the teaching going. I truly enjoy it. I had the apprehension that I would not be able to continue to keep it going but there is always more I find to express myself with and viewers are giving nothing but positive feedback. The things I am creating are such a blessing to me in so many ways. I don’t know if I know what joy feels like but the good feelings I am experiencing with what I am doing sure feel like it. Joy was just never a word used in my world so I don’t have anything to compare it to. I guess I will just create my own.

I will start to use my organization skills to get a better handle on what is happening. I am working hard to not get overwhelmed and lost in the process of all my endeavors growing and working out. If I get a handle on it I won’t let it become a scary place it will be more of the success I have always dreamed of.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope your next week is everything you deserve.



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Boy I have had a difficult last few weeks. I thought it was because of the season and time of year. I was seriously feeling like I was having a back slide that I couldn’t stop. Fortunately I have come far enough in my healing journey that I was able to use a quick EMDR exercise and figure out which demon of the past was trying to hank on. That is exactly what was wrong. It seems that no matter how far I have come there is a new struggle to handle.



Even though it feels so terrible at the time and I also fight the hopelessness that falsely leads me to believe everything I have done means nothing.  I am so much stronger and able to come back out so much quicker and able to see the issue so much clearer sooner. I am winning and will continue to fight for my life.


I am taking responsibility for my life and no longer blaming the past or others for what has happened and can honestly check myself and correct my thinking to what I have done, who I am and all of the good things I am blessed with and can be grateful for. I can actually say I am breaking the chains of that awful dark place and moving into the light.

When I was fighting the battle I tried to make that list of blessings and couldn’t see it at the moment. I realized what a long list I have of blessings. I have everything going well and just cannot let the demons of the past steal my thunder because my body has not caught up to my soul work.

I did it though and feel better today than I have in at least 2 1/2 weeks . The battle for life continues and feels better and stronger all the time. It doesn’t say much on those bad moments when I struggle to get out of bed, but I do get up and live everyday.


I did have an awesome day yesterday and received some amazing news. I had a meeting with the director of the local museum and they are asking to put my beadwork into their gift shop when they open in the spring. It’s an amazing opportunity and I can now feel the positive feeling it brings. I am working on feeling the joy and excitement. The good feelings have to be worked for. They don’t come as easy as the bad feelings of the past.

I am now moving into a place where I am striving to start enjoying my days no matter how much it takes to find it and hang on to it longer and longer every time.

I have the strength to fight the past and live for the future.

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My strength grows with every battle I win.

I will start making things for the museum and hopefully creating some new and different things for my YouTube channel. My little online business is growing and I may have to work at enjoying everything I have but every day I can builds my strength.

Thanks for stopping by and visit my page and Facebook group for quicker updates on my creative journey.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you have a nice weekend.


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Stop looking for The Path and become the Path

January is the toughest month of the year for me. It used to be a celebration month. My mother, sister and I all had birthdays. Today is my sister’s birthday and I am pushing through the grief one more time. Now that They have been gone many years and I work through my childhood trauma healing it is still difficult for me and one of the months I fight the dark depression and lonely place.

It has been easier this year than before but it is still a moment to moment struggle to fight the dark feelings, get out of the tense fight or flight state and be thankful for the moment to be able to stay calm inside. When you can’t stay calm and relax yourself you cause your body to fight for survival against things that are not there. The anxiety, fear and hopelessness can cause physical problems that in time can become physical ailments that you cannot recover from. I am working hard every day to fight the dark and hopeless state that is causing my body to stay in a tense bad state. I have to be conscious every moment what I am thinking and feeling. Especially because I learned so long ago that pretending everything is fine is what got me where I am. I have to dig a little deeper now to find myself and live with that person and not the warrior who protected me all my life. Will stand up and become the new warrior that rescues instead of defends. One step forward and the Queen Code can take over.


I am for once in my life taking on the battle to get myself back. I cannot live with the regret that it took me so long just learn to continue to face every day with a new mindset. Getting that mind right is harder than it sounds. Mind and body will come together if I face it rather and become the path rather than wait for someone else to create it for me.


My mind needs to become my domain and not be a victim to the past. Gratitude is a mindset that has been foreign to me. I don’t believe I have truly felt in my body in order to bring the mind and body together as one to be enjoyed.


I look forward to creating the self I need and want and not just live in what rolls in every day. I want to create my world not just accept it. I never really understood all of the things I have learned and truly felt them. It is a very different life to experience the knowledge and not just store it for safekeeping.


My life has become the adventure I choose as I continue to find my way through creating my future.

I can actually honestly say I am fighting for my life and believe with all my heart that I am winning. I am looking forward to allowing myself to do what I want to do no matter what my mind brings forth with fear and doubt. I strive to accomplish the self-control I need. Learning to truly be calm within my mind and body so I can enjoy my life and not dread it anymore. My strength is showing itself and I choose to embrace it.

I did a unique challenge in my Facebook group to complete a UFO. A UFO is an Unfinished Object. I found a piece that I started 5 years ago and just couldn’t follow through to finish it. My group and creating my videos has given me such a fulfilling creative outlet and has become more than a craft it has become my new therapy and outlet of me. It shows me how much I have that I can be thankful for and proud of.

I finished a Handmade Leather Card Wallet as my UFO and it turned out absolutely beautiful. Shows that act of bringing the pieces of the past forward that I choose and am grateful for.


I have several new videos for you to check out and stop by and visit on my YouTube channel. I also have a surprise coming that I am very proud of. I don’t want to mention anything too soon before details are worked out but it is an exciting venture I will be honored to take part of.

Thanks for stopping by and I wish you a wonderful week.



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Learning to Live, Love, Laugh even in the ditches.

Well it’s a new year and everyone is starting out fresh. Me, I am continuing on my journey. I don’t like the holidays and haven’t for a very long time. Although I had done better than I ever have this season, it is not a special time for me. The special time has come through my having the ability to see my life as a blessing instead of a curse. My focus is still on learning how to continue to heal and enjoy what I have. IMG_8283.JPG

I am working on putting my head knowledge into heart and soul work. Staying in the moment with my feelings and thoughts so that I can change them for the better. The trauma and pain seem like they just don’t want to give up their protection. I no longer need them but they hang on. I have to stay focused on every moment and work at being sure that I am trading the fear, pain and anxiety into living, loving and laughing to bring back the person I tucked away to protect.

There is no more reason to hide that person. She can be free to express and just doesn’t know it yet. I will work hard to bring her back with every thing I do. I am using lots of prayer in those moments allowing God to change my thinking and emotions to the life giving energy instead of the fearful and negative ones of the past.

I slipped into a little regression but have the ability to recover. It’s a good feeling to not have to rely on survival mode anymore but it is hard work to stay in the living state mind.


Even the difficult moments have that lesson I need to practice my gratitude. I still have a hard time convincing that person who felt the world needed to be “dealt with” instead of just letting them be will allow me to do what I need and want regardless of what happens around me.

It’s almost my birthday and I will be turning 60 years old. I am thankful I have made it to this stage in my life and want it to be a successful addition to my journey.


I will continue that journey to bring that perfect version to the forefront and consciously enjoy being who I am. The battle will continue of fighting that part of me that believes we are still in danger of the darkness and I will win moment by moment.

Thank you for stopping by and know that success is yours you just have to accept it and embrace it. God did not bring you this far to quit on yourself. Become aware of what your trials have taught you and begin to practice what you have learned.

Have a wonderful week


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Standing Strong – Because you have no other choice

My life has gotten so much better in the last few years and I am still in the struggle but I do know that I will do this no matter what it takes. It is such a different life and future when you see your struggles and pain as what makes you. I am creating the journey to be what I want not what the world around me tells me it is. The struggles I have every day are my life and I choose to face them with the love and understanding I have always wanted to. I kept waiting for it to happen when all along I should have just been doing it. I have all the knowledge of survival it’s now time to practice what I have been storing and waiting for.

The pain and struggles have never gone away it’s just how I stand up and face them. I don’t have any other choice but to be strong but the fact is the I AM and just need to move into the space to allow the appreciation and gratitude to take over.


Just when I think I have a handle on things a complete setback comes through. My husband’s mother passed away and created a tremendous emotional trigger that crippled me for a little bit. The thing about though is I am able to get back up so much more sooner than ever before with a new determination to not let it take me into that deep dark place I used to live in this time of year. Death is a part of life and we all have to move forward after it takes our hearts.

I have changed and my strength shows with my ability to rise above the trigger and make my day what I need it to be not what it seems to be. Through my tears and pain I Thank God I am alive and have my blessings.


I waited so long to have something happen to get me into the life I wanted and the place I needed to be. I never realized that it was all up to me. Just like Dorothy’s ruby red slippers. I had the ability all along. 🙂

I will make it through this tough time just as I have all the others. This time it is with a strength I have been denying and a love for myself and my life. I hope this time is a good reflection time for you and that you can move into the new year with a new look on your life. Have a wonderful weekend and a joyful New Year’s Day.


See you next year. Thanks for stopping by.