I am doing my best to stay in my moments and see which feelings belong to my day. My body is starting to feel more than stress, tension, fear, anxiety and pain. I have been struggling with my agoraphobia coming back to lie and convince me that I don’t need any help when I know that I am still in need of a hand hold. I skipped my therapy because my anxiety to stay home was too intense to overcome. Now I have to fight the guilt of not going. I spend every moment reassuring myself that my decision is over now and I don’t have anything to worry about except embracing my new being and not worrying about the past I can do nothing about. That includes 2 seconds ago and 45 years ago.
Thank God there is no limitation on my starting over at any time to make a different choice to live.
My desire to be successful has become stronger and now it is time for me to define success. I don’t believe it is being rich in money and possessions. I am desiring to have the joy of the things that bring me the most enjoyment in my every day life in abundance. Of course being comfortably secure with monetary is a huge benefit but my focus is turning to wanting to go back to my desire to learn new things and create new things to teach, and share.
My growth and change continue to make room for all the things I have always wanted to do but difficult life struggles and the trauma setback into the darkness stopped that growth and pursuit of fulfillment. I now little by little every day let in the positive feelings and let the negative go. It is a battle that I never truly faced I just let the whole thing just sit and I thought that’s all there was.
I no longer am resistant to the change. My depression and anxiety were the result of me fighting to shut down the pain of the battle and allowing all the past to lie to me into believing that nothing was going to change. I refuse to give up the fight for my life.
Now I use the battle to make way for that growth and change to come through and make way for me to be happy right where I am and strive to obtain the things that make me and those around me appreciate all we have.
The sun has been shining lately and the weather is nice. It is still winter and I am reminded everytime I go outside in the cold. I have to maintain my reality and stay in the moment. Realizing what is and not be sad over what was or what I thought it should be.
I am finishing up some custom orders now and will be starting on making things to go into the museum this spring. I will have a chance to get back to making videos. I have missed it and all the things I want to put into the museum gift shop will become the next series of videos. I am also going to start designing regalia for my grand daughters and son to start working on. I am going to move into creating and not just surviving.
We were in a very difficult financial hole that has finally been resolved and now I can work on things to fulfill my creative side and not just to make money. There is a huge difference and I want to be able to be doing things in balance so that I can have the satisfaction of both a business and a creative outlet. My life is worth fighting for and I WILL LOVE THE DAY!!!
Thanks for stopping by and I hope your upcoming weekend is everything you deserve.